Meandering Thoughts: On "Cool"

In his most recent column in "Entertainment Weekly," horrormaster Stephen King has attempted to take on one of the greatest cultural divides of our time: the difference between what's cool and what's not cool.

"The meaning of cool," King says, "is beyond definition (and) beyond modification." This is irrefutable. I would posit that, from a writerly perspective, once you attempt to define what "cool" is, you immediately lose all credibility. You can always give examples of what you perceive "cool" to be, but once you try to create a structure for "cool" and "coolness," you're done.

In this article, King doesn't attempt to create this structure - rather, he gives some examples of what's cool (among others, he cites John Fogerty's new album, Barack Obama, "Prison Break," Elmore Leonard, and Fred Rogers) and what's not cool (among the cited: George Clooney in "Michael Collins," Hillary Clinton, Patricia Cornwell, and "Friday Night Lights"). He's quick to point out that being uncool is not necessarily a terrible stigma (for example, he thinks that "Friday Night Lights" is an excellent show - it just will never have the cache/sexiness of a lesser-caliber show like "Prison Break").

These are all valid points. Then, however, King blows all credibility whatsoever by insisting that he's cool, saying "Remember, cool is not a way of life; it's a state of being. Like your height. I can't help being 6'3", and I can't help being cool. Same way Michael Crichton can't help being 6'9''...and not cool." (King, for the record, looks like this. I'm just saying, is all.)

Anyway. A golden rule of "cool," if such a thing exists, is that you cannot insist overtly on your own coolness. It just can't be done. If you have to tell people that you're cool - and King most certainly does here - you're absolutely not cool, and the other things which you've pronounced to be "cool" are tarnished in turn.

Stephen King is uncool. He's written some cool books, sure, but he's also responsible for sap like "The Green Mile" and a good number of subpar books as well. Beyond his picture (above), I also refer you to the fact that he plays in a rock band called The Rock Bottom Remainders - which would be cool if it weren't an all-author band. You see, authors aren't cool, pretty much ever - however, their books may or may not be. "Misery" is cool. Playing the guitar on an atrocious version of "Wild Thing" alongside Amy Tan? Uncool, about ten million times over.

Keep in mind, I don't think of myself as being cool at all. Lord knows, I've tried to be cool - the trying, though, immediately made me uncool, which is a stigma I've carried with me ever since.

When it all comes down to brass tacks, I think of the words of the late Kurt Cobain, who sang, "I'd rather be dead than cool." That seems completely reasonable. I mean, I don't want to be dead. So, I want to be cool even less.

Of course, that's contingent upon words of wisdom coming from Kurt Cobain, who's both dead and cool (go figure).