I don't watch MTV anymore. There's a really good reason for this; aside from "Human Giant," there's really nothing on the channel that strikes my fancy. [Full disclosure: I submitted material as a consulting writer for the upcoming season of "Human Giant."] The bulk of the programming ("The Hills" and its similarly themed ilk) does nothing for me.
However, every year I watch the Video Music Awards. Why do I do this? There's no good reason. The music that the channel celebrates does nothing for me; I'd probably rather see the "NPR's Morning Becomes Eclectic" Music Awards. I'm generally disgusted by the trashier side of pop culture, and, to be bluntly honest, I'd be pretty much okay if an atomic bomb was detonated on one of the floors of the Las Vegas hotel in which these awards are being held this evening.
Yet, I watch it. It's kind of like the donkey show referenced in "The 40 Year Old Virgin." - you think it's gonna be cool, and then you realize that it's a woman (expletive deleted) a horse. And you just feel sorry for the horse.
They're advertising this year's show as a one-time-only event - in previous years, the show's been rerun eternally, but MTV is swearing that this will be it. So, I'm watching. I will not, however, be linking to any pictures
8:50 - Preshow. John Norris is hosting the preshow. He seriously looks like a vampire, and not in the cool, "Interview with the Vampire" way. He looks like the undead with a tousled, bleach-blonde cut...or, minus the showy hairdo, Freddie Mercury circa "Barcelona." Look that one up, kids. According to Wikipedia, Norris has been working for MTV since 1986 and is almost 48 years old. Huh. He doesn't look a day over 65, though.
8:58 - Preshow. Some British dude is interviewing Linkin Park. Mike Shinoda is the worst rock star ever. He's gigglier than Dakota Fanning on nitrous oxide, all the time.
9:00 - Britney Spears is opening the show. She is wearing a barely-there sparkly bra and panties set. It doesn't look good. Kind of a muffin top thing going on there. Her new song is entitled "Gimme More." I'd settle for giving us Britney wearing a shirt, and putting some actual rehearsal time in. She looks vaguely stoned. Not good. See you on "The Surreal Life," Britney.
9:09 - Alicia Keys introduces us to the night's conceit; they've apparently taken over the entire casino, and are throwing different "parties" in which different performers are going to be performing all night. Kanye West's hosting one, Justin Timberlake's hosting another one, and the bassist from Fall Out Boy's got another one going on. The Fall Out Boy guy's microphone isn't working - it's always nice to see karma and common sense work together to protect the general public. (I know he's got a name, and I know it, but I refuse to mention it - he seems like the kind of douche who spends the bulk his days doing a "blog search" on Google for his name, and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing his name on this particularly-low trafficked corner of the internets.)
9:20 - Akon's performing "Smack That" with Mark Ronson and the band that made Amy Winehouse's album. It sounds infinitely better with this band, which makes me believe that Amy Winehouse is more or less a lucky crackhead with a half-decent voice and great production.
9:22 - Robin Thicke was just introduced as "R & B's new royalty." Do they know that his dad was the pop from "Growing Pains?" Finding out that Jason Seaver has fathered R & B royalty is incredibly discomforting to me. It's just...kinda weird.
9:31 - The Foo Fighters are performing. This is awesome. They're a real band, with actual rock-and-roll bonafides. They're joined by former guitarist Pat Smear, among others - this is a genuinely cool moment. I'm sure MTV will cut away from this prematurely. (It lasted precisely 90 seconds.) It's always great to see Pat Smear doing stuff. That guy's great.
9:34 - Beyonce just won an award. Surprisingly, it isn't for the advanced robotic technicians who keep her looking so lifelike. I'm looking forward to her turn as a lifelike female doll in the upcoming "Lars And The Real Girl," mostly because Ryan Gosling can make anyone look good.
9:42 - Chris Brown's performance begins with an homage to Charlie Chaplin. Or, as I'm going to call it, that time the vaguely effeminate teenager put on a tuxedo and fake Hitler mustache and then tap danced and lip-synched in an odd attempt to curry some kind of street credibility.
9:46 - After a desperate attempt to prove his sexual prowess by awkwardly touching Rihanna's back, Chris Brown is now recreating Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" dance. Someone should inform Brown (and Justin Timberlake, among others) that Jackson was an artist and not a genre of music.
9:55 - Bill Hader and Seth Rogen are on, in a recurring bit where they're talking about voting for the potential "losers" of the Viewer's Choice awards. This allows Rogen to throw out a jab at Wang Chung, which is lame, but we'll cut him some slack, as "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" were the best things going this summer.
9:59 - The Foo Fighters are back, with Cee-Lo this time. Cee-Lo is throttling the microphone stand and giving it his rock and roll best. They're ripping through Prince's dirty "Darlin' Nikki" and...yep, commercial break.
10:01 - Finding out that Alan Thicke somehow fathered someone referred to as "R & B Royalty" is like finding out that Pat Sajak's son is the new United States Poet Laureate. It's...just not right.
10:05 - In 2000, 50 Cent got shot 9 times. In 2007, in a desperate attempt to make it back to the top of the charts, he's relying on the questionable beatbox skills of a former Mouseketeer on a song. Just sayin'.
10:08 - Shia LeBoeuf just announced the title of the new Indiana Jones movie. It's "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." I'm guessing "Indiana Jones and the Magical Social Security Payout" wasn't, y'know, mysterious enough?
10:20 - Oh, joy. It's Linkin Park. Despite the angsty undertones of the music, Mike Shinoda is beaming like a first-grader on Christmas. I don't get the appeal at all.
Well, this is where I came in. It's the same celebrities, rotating in and out. If there are going to be any true "surprises," I don't forsee any actually happening, unless Britney somehow manages to sneak in an overdose during the live broadcast. [Which, since it's Vegas, the house has 3:1 odds on.] So, as two coked-up looking dudes from "Entourage" present Fall Out Boy with an award, I bid you, my reading audience of (maybe) tens a fond adieu.
The sad thing is, as terrible as this show has been - and believe me, it's been terrible - I will probably watch a bit of it next year.
PS. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee apparently got into a fistfight. The battle for irrelevance...gets literal! I'm not sure what's more likely: one to knock the other one into oblivion, or the Billboard charts and general public to do the job for them. For me to root for one over the other is like rooting for poop to be better than doo-doo. Wait, that's not a metaphor. Yeah, I need to stop this.
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