Meandering Thoughts: 5 Song Lyrics That Shall Double As My New Years Resolutions

"If I could tell your future, I say 'love the world you find'
in the dark times and the hard questions
let some sunshine in your mind."
- The Flaming Lips, "Love The World You Find"

"Don't let hurricanes hold you back
Raging rivers or shark attacks
Find love, then give it all away."
- Clem Snide, "Find Love"

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
- James Taylor, "The Secret O'Life"

"Don't let me into this year with an empty heart."
- Josh Ritter, "Empty Hearts"

"I will try to understand
Everything has its plan
Either way, I'm gonna stay."
- Wilco, "Either Way"

In summation: I would like to enjoy the world (as it is, right now) more, to find enough love that I can reciprocate and then some, enjoy the passage of time, allow myself to keep an open heart right now, and not be consumed by the things that I cannot control. Not too shabby, song lyrics! (I would also like to lose some weight.)

Happy new year, dear readers!

Year In Retrospective Part Two: Ten Other Awesome Things

For someone like myself, who prides himself on his voracious consumption of pop culture, I had a bit of an off-year. I didn't see too many movies, I'm not really big into the whole "buying CDs thing," and I didn't watch a whole lot of television, really. So, what I'm going to do for my second Year In Retrospective post is to talk about 10 random pop-culture things that fascinated me this calendar year. Some TV, some movies, some odds and ends. It's kind of a potpourri post.

1. Season Three of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia." This was the year I discovered the funniest show on television. The cast of Charlie Day, Rob McElhenny, Glenn Howerton, Kaitlin Olson, and Danny DeVito may be the best comedic ensemble right now. Most of my highlights from this season involve the aforementioned Mr. Day as "Charlie," whose antics included (but were not limited to) dressing up as Serpico while taping a huge recording device to his chest, huffing spray paint while writing homoerotic glam-rock songs, and becoming a fake-lawyer utilizing a clip-on tie and jargon lifted directly from marathons of "Law and Order." Trust me, it's awesome. My favorite television of the year.

2. Judd Apatow. "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" were both hilariously funny movies. It's hard to believe that, just a few years ago, Apatow was known largely for writing and producing wonderful television that nobody watched ("Freaks and Geeks" and "Undeclared"). Now, he's the acknowledged god of comedy as both director and producer - and, more importantly, his movies are pretty awesome.

3. The Perez Hilton backlash. Last year's guilty pleasure - perezhilton.com - has become this year's whipping boy, thanks largely to the aforementioned Mr. Hilton, who went from being a snarky underground blogger to an overexposed multimedia annoyance. This time next year, he'll be lucky to be on Celebrity Fit Club. This year, he's the answer to the question "What if Bruce Vilanch was a worse dresser and actually less funnier?"

4. The Onion AV Club - the best regularly-updated pop-culture site out there right now (avclub.com). Unlike most media outlets, the Onion serves up large, intellectual interviews and features in this section of their site, and maintains a certain wit and flair while doing so.

5. The "I'm Not There" Soundtrack, which is the perfect tribute album to Bob Dylan, authored in the name of soundtracking a movie about Bob Dylan which never once mentions the name Bob Dylan.

6. Independent radio. 90.7 FM in New York City. 97.7 in Amsterdam. 102.7 in Vermont. It's a beautiful world when you have the ability to listen to Belle and Sebastian and the Clash on your way into work. In an era of increasing media consolidation, these bastions of independent thought are absolutely to be cherished and patronized.

7. The cast of "Arrested Development" are, in lieu of continuing to create the most excellent show on television, making magic at the movies. Jason Bateman and Michael Cera reteam in the critically-acclaimed "Juno," Will Arnett made the funny in "Blades of Glory," and Cera struck comedy gold in "Superbad." Even the atrocious "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie was redeemed (somewhat) by David Cross, who chose to chew up scenery as a hilariously slimy music mogul. (and yes, I saw it. God have mercy on my soul.)

8. "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah," by the "30 Rock" character Tracy Jordan. "Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves." Actually, pretty much anything on "30 Rock" this year was awesome. Except for the shameless "Bee Movie" pandering of Jerry Seinfeld.

9. The continued emergence of Steve Carell, who, if he continues to make the right choices, will be the next Tom Hanks. Mark ye my words.

10. Finally, as someone who abhors pre-packaged pop music, watching the freefall into chemical oblivion of stars like Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and others has been nothing short of schadenfreude for me. On one hand, I know that they're just people with problems, which is sad. On the other hand, it's very, very awesome.

Meandering Thoughts: It was 10 years ago today...

10 years ago today, Chris Farley died.

Wow. I can't believe how the time has gone. What a tremendous talent that guy was. In reading interviews with his fellow "Saturday Night Live" alumni, all of them talked about how Farley was always the funniest person in the room, and the person to whom their eyes were drawn when he was onscreen. He was so much fun to watch.

A few months before he died, though, I remember sitting in my college dorm, drinking beer and watching the episode of "Saturday Night Live" which he hosted. I vividly remember having a friend of mine named Jason walk into the room, look at the screen, and say, "Wow. That guy's going to be dead soon." He was right. Farley wore his excesses on his sleeve; he was addicted to cocaine and heroin while also an alcoholic with terrible self-esteem issues. Not a fun combination, I'm willing to bet. Those excesses killed him.

Eons ago, when I was performing comedy regularly, one of the theater's respected older performers told me that I reminded him of Farley. Wary of Farley's personal history and the way that he died, I immediately shied away from that. I was taken back further when he clarified with two things: that I reminded him "in the good way" (which I took to mean my physicality onstage) and that he was quite familiar with Farley. It turned out that he'd eulogized him at one of the memorial services. To this day, it's one of the greatest compliments that I've ever been given.

I miss Chris Farley. There was a savage edge to his work, but an essential sweetness to everything that he did which made things all the more wonderful. The world needs more performers with those qualities.

Year In Retrospective Part One: My Favorite Songs of 2007

I've decided that I can be reasonably sure that I'm not going to hear many more new songs this calendar year; therefore, it's time for me to rank my 10 favorite songs for the calendar year. To be eligible for this list, the song had to have been released (officially) between January 1 and now of this year. And I will have had to have heard it between now and then. I can obviously not rank songs that I haven't heard. [Feel free to fire back in the comments section.]

1. Radiohead, "All I Need"
There's been a lot of hype about the latest album from Radiohead, and with good reason - the band's decision to forego traditional distribution routes and release the album onto the internet may have been the most revolutionary act in the history of the recording industry. Lost in that hype, however, was the fact that with this album, "In Rainbows," Radiohead has finally released the true followup to 1997's amazing "OK Computer" - an album that retains the highly electronic sound the band has chased for the bulk of this decade, while revisiting the songcraft that built the band's reputation. "All I Need" is the centerpiece of this album - and an amazing song. If you don't get goosebumps when the drums kick in, you're not human.

2. Wilco, "What Light"
Life affirming to the point of near-hippiedom, this track reminds each set of ears that it reaches that there's always reason to be optimistic. I can dig it.

3. Rivers Cuomo, "Longtime Sunshine"
I'm so glad this song has been officially released - it's an epic ballad of longing and sadness, and one of Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo's finest moments. While we may never hear a formal, full-band version of this, this demo will more than suffice for the time being.

4. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, "Falling Slowly"
I'm a sucker for harmony, which this tune has in spades. It's from a movie called "Once," which I haven't seen yet, and a worthy candidate for the best original song Oscar in the upcoming awards.

5. Mark Ronson, "Valerie"
While a great portion of the music-writing world continues to fall at the feet of Amy Winehouse, let us take the time to praise her producer, former club-kid Ronson, whose singlehanded revival of soul-music production made Winehouse's album infinitely better. This track features Winehouse on a genius revisitation of a Zutons album track from a few years ago.

6. Kings Of Leon, "Knocked Up"
Clocking in at over 7 minutes, this blues ramble may actually be longer than an actual Kings of Leon show I caught in 2005. The song's consistent, rumbling rhythm and lead singer Caleb Followill's soulful lead vocal make this track a career highlight for the Kings as well as one of the best tunes of the year.

7. Stars, "Midnight Coward"
The dueling lead vocal between the male and female singers of Stars - never really harmonic, but instead more of a call-and-response vocal - make this song (about the doubts that come and go in the beginning stretches of an intimate relationship) completely noteworthy.

8. Eddie Vedder, "Hard Sun"
9. Loudon Wainwright III, "Daughter"
Both Vedder and Wainwright put together preeminent soundtracks this year; both of these tracks are from soundtracks (Vedder's earthy accompaniment to "Into The Wild," and Wainwright's straightforward, folky counterpoint to "Knocked Up"), and both are covers. Both are, to say the least, essential.

10. Josh Ritter, "Right Moves"
After last year's stunning "Girl In The War," Ritter's taken a slightly more lighthearted path with this track. When he starts spitting words at a remarkably rapid clip, watch out - it's got the effect of being simultaneously hilarious and kind of odd.

Utter Randomness

In lieu of an actual entry, here are some things we've been digging lately:

The great Joe Henry has a new album out. Called "Civilians," it's another slice of this man's brilliance. Do yourself a favor. Go here and download "Our Song," Henry's dramatic fantasia that begins with an imagined encounter with the great Willie Mays in a Home Depot and climaxes with a lament that "this was my country." It's beautiful, and it's a free download. Do it.

We have a great affection for terrible, out of place jerseys (our collection includes a David Wells "Boomer 33" Yankees t-shirt, as well as a Danny Kannell Giants jersey). That's why we aspire to be on Straight Cash, Homey. Check it out. It's awesomeness.

Our friend Bob over at the blooming Silhouettes Of Birds And Trees has taken the time to rank his 65 favorite albums of this year. While we've been curmudgeonly about year-end lists, this is pretty well thought out. It's missing some Stars and Joe Henry, nevermind Loudon Wainwright's wonderful, beautifully crafted soundtrack for "Knocked Up," but well-played.

We're not buying any more holiday cards this year, but if we were, it'd be these whimsical, hand-made cards from friend-of-a-friend Jodi Skeris.

That's all for now!

Meandering Thoughts: Hey, 2007 Is Not Over Yet

There's a part of me that loves year-end lists; whether it's "Entertainment Weekly," "GQ," "Rolling Stone," or some other magazine I've not yet seen, there's a simplicity and a bit of status to these lists which provides average readers like myself with a chance to catch up with the best and brightest of the past year. However, there's a part of me that's alarmed at how early people decide to view the calendar year through the amber lens of the rear-view mirror.

I found myself at a Manhattan newsstand today, and I was surrounded by magazines and their year-in-review coverage. I had to check myself a bit with a bit of reality. It's December 7th, and publications around the world are calling a close to the year. Which, as much as I love it, seems to be a touch premature; I mean, if magazine editors were this quick to summarize the year in, say, 1941, the defining moment of the year (the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor) would have been a footnote in their coverage. In 1980, there'd be no mention of another defining cultural moment - the killing of John Lennon in front of his Upper West Side apartment building. Heck, even last year, in the waning days of the year, America lost a former president (Gerald Ford) and the world lost a Godfather of Soul (James Brown).

So, perhaps in awhile, I'll have some kind of retrospective of the year. But, until then, there's music for me to listen to, and movies for me to see, and a current day to experience. Curmudgeonly? You bet.

The December Playlist (or, Thank you, Schenectady. Thank you, Albany. Thank you, thank you, silence...)

In writing this blog, I've tried a lot to separate my personal life from the things that I write about. However, I believe it's the place of the writer to write from the heart once in awhile - and make it personal - to get their message across. This is one of those times.

So, in case you're reading this and haven't been keyed into what's been going on with me for the past month and change; I'm in the middle of what will be the beginning of my big move - back to New York City after 4 and 1/2 years in the Albany area. I begin a new job on Monday, and if all goes well, in a few months, I'll have my own place in New York City. It's a whirlwind move in what's been a year of whirlwind moves for myself and my closest friends, and while I'm very stoked to head downstate and get cracking on this new, lucrative opportunity, it's a bit sad for me to leave behind this area.

So, here's a quick list of the things about the area that I will miss:
- the Albany Pump Station, Olde Saratoga, and Brown's Brewing Company
- Thacher State Park
- the view from the hills of Altamont
- a walk along the perimeter of Washington Park and Lark Street
- Revolution Hall
- WEXT and WEQX
- the Hudson and Mohawk Rivers
- Bombers, Mahar's, and Lionheart
- the Spectrum
- Albany basketball
- Downtown Schenectady and the Stockade - BL's, Uncle Ben's, the Grog Shoppe, Pinhead's, Slick's, Shamrock's, the Thai Bistro, and even the Saw Mill, Blythewood, and Blockhouse
- Driving out into Vermont and Massachussets and back through the Berkshire
- the way the sun sets out here

There's more, but I'm not going to go on and on. You see, for every great place up here, there's people behind it that made it so very worthwhile for me. So, before I go, I want to dedicate a very special December playlist for the people up here who made all of these things (and more) so very worth it. So, for Javen and Justine, Jim and Karyn, Paul and Becky, Nora and Kevin and Elizabeth and Marty, Matt and Rick and Nick, the West Wing folks, Bill, the Shorts, my grad school classmates, my colleagues in school and work, and, hell, even for all the girls I dated - these go out to you. It's a mix of happy and sad stuff, of course, kind of like my time here. If it wasn't for you guys, I don't know what I would have done. Thanks. I love you. Er, most of you. Somewhat.

So now then, here are 10 songs.
1. "Stars," Hum
2. "The Way We Get By," Spoon
3. "Picture In A Frame," Anne Sophie von Otter
4. "Sick Of Goodbyes," Cracker
5. "This Year," Mountain Goats
6. "Ambulance Blues," Neil Young
7. "Where Did I Go Wrong With You?," Martin Sexton
8. "Simple Twist Of Fate," Bob Dylan
9. "Knocks Me Off My Feet," Stevie Wonder
10. "Glad Tidings," Van Morrison

And now, onward and upward, as they say. Excelsior.

Meandering Thoughts: On the Yankees and Johan Santana

I'm not going to discuss the Yankees and Johan Santana at length (I would refer you instead to excellent sites like Peter Abraham's Lower Hudson newsblog, or to the phenomenal River Avenue Blues), but I did have one thought on it that I thought I would be doing the entire blogosphere a disservice if I didn't put it out there.

For the first time with Yankees prospects, I feel like the Yankees are in a better position without the marquee, big-money player. Santana's great, but they should not mortgage their youth movement (not just the great young pitchers, but also sparkplugs like Melky Cabrera) for any player - not even the great Santana.

I'm reminded of the quote with which Vin Scelsa begins his great radio show on WFUV - which he himself took from the music writer David Fricke. It goes like this: "Respect the elders. Embrace the new. Encourage the impractical and improbable, without bias." I want to see the Yankees continue to embrace the new. It might be impractical for the Yankees, given their business model, to go away from the veteran with the track record, but I think it'll be more exciting.

Some things we're thankful for this Thanksgiving...

Here are some things - some are pop culture, others are not - that we're thankful for this Thanksgiving.

- We're thankful that we've taken the time out to watch "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," the hands-down funniest show on television (it's on FX). While we're especially partial to Charlie Day's character, the illiterate, glue-huffing, constantly shouting Charlie, there's so much else about this show that's awesome. If you're not watching it, you should be.

- We're thankful for the safe, healthy arrival of a certain newborn little girl.

- We're thankful for another Thanksgiving of listening to "Alice's Restaurant" at noon. And we're appreciative of Alice's spirit, which is absolutely worth emulating.

- We're thankful (and, to be frank, excited) that our brother's working on a book. On the same token, we're excited about a free software program that we recently discovered that may help us get that screenplay we've wanted to write going.

- We're thankful for the "I'm Not There" soundtrack, which is absolutely as awesome sounding as we'd hoped it would.

- We're thankful for Paul Lukas's Uni Watch Blog, which legitimizes our long-standing interest in sports-related minutiae.

- We're thankful that Chuck Norris has embraced his mythology in the name of politics. We're not crazy about the other dude he's working with, but we're grateful to start off this upcoming year of campaign overload with a good laugh.

- Most of all, though, we're thankful for our friends and family, for the things that remain constant in times of flux, and for the simple, elegant things that make things worth doing.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Support.

We support our friends in the Writers Guild of America in their ongoing strike.

For more information, please go to UnitedHollywood. Thanks.

The 100 Greatest Rock Songs Of All Time

This November, wonderful area radio station WEXT-FM has decided to put together a massive list; and oh boy, do I love lists. Their "The 100 Greatest Rock Songs Of All Time" will air on January 1, 2008 and will be compiled exclusively online through listener suggestions.

Naturally, I feel compelled to throw my two cents in. The station is asking for 20 suggestions per listener. I can do that. To add to my challenge, I will choose no more than 2 songs from any one band or act (it would be very easy for me to topload this list with stuff from the Beatles, REM, Bruce Springsteen, and other bands I've loved for years and years), and I will try to keep it to one song per act wherever possible. I'm not going to pick exclusively "rock songs" either - I will pick songs by rock bands, but if their best work doesn't come in a Zeppelin-esque hail of rhythmic thunder, so be it. I'm all about the subtlety. Finally, I'm going to shed this "of all time" moniker - it adds far-unneccessary significance to a list. I'm going to pick my essential 20 rock songs - my favorite 20.

So, here goes:

1. "Born To Run," Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
2. "Like A Rolling Stone," Bob Dylan
3. "You Can't Always Get What You Want," The Rolling Stones
4. "Here Comes The Sun," The Beatles
5. "Fall On Me," R.E.M.
6. "Beautiful Day," U2
7. "Heroes," David Bowie
8. "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down," The Band
9. "Solsbury Hill," Peter Gabriel
10. "Into The Mystic," Van Morrison
11. "California Stars," Wilco
12. "I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You," Tom Waits
13. "Ooh La La," The Faces
14. "Let Down," Radiohead
15. "Radio Radio," Elvis Costello and the Attractions
16. "Landslide," Fleetwood Mac
17. "These Are Days," 10,000 Maniacs
18. "Here Comes Your Man," The Pixies
19. "Wishlist," Pearl Jam
20. "Unsatisfied," The Replacements.

I find that a lot of these placements are arbitrary. That being said, "Born To Run" is most assuredly number one and "Like A Rolling Stone" is most assuredly number two - both are the kind of song where you hear the first second (Max Weinberg's snare roll at the beginning of "Born To Run," and Bobby Gregg's single crack that kicks off "Like A Rolling Stone") and you know - you just do - that you're going for a ride and that hell yeah, you're in capable hands.

Meandering Thoughts: Live From (Somewhere Else In) New York: It's (Still) Saturday Night

I've always admired the television show "Saturday Night Live." What's not to admire? By design, the show is an inherent work of art: it's live, performance-based television in a way that few others can even come close to mimicking. Sure, "American Idol" is a live show - and features live performances - but there is a vast difference between singing traditional and familiar songs live and what "Saturday Night Live" does, which is perform one-off, generally-topical sketches. Sure, "Mad TV" is a sketch-comedy show - but it's performed in a traditional, taped format that allows for "re-dos" and what I assume is the television equivalent of digitally remastering a live performance for a concert album.

"Saturday Night Live" has brought some tremendous talents to the forefront of our culture - besides the original cast of Not Ready For Primetime Players (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Laraine Newman, and Jane Curtin), many other talents have either gotten their big breaks or honed their craft while doing this show. Bill Murray, Harry Shearer, Al Franken, Eddie Murphy, Joe Piscopo, Julia Louis Dreyfus, Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, Robert Downey Jr, Jon Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Anthony Michael Hall, Randy Quaid, Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Jan Hooks, Kevin Nealon, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, David Spade, Janeane Garofalo, Molly Shannon, Norm MacDonald, David Koechner, and Will Ferrell are among the many folks who have (at one time or another) been in the repertory company of this show.

Creatively, the show goes through its peaks and valleys; when it's on, the show's generally responsible for creating some lasting moments of cultural stability - but when it's not, it's subject to cries of "Saturday Night Dead" and "Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny in years." It's the price the show pays, for better or worse.

Recently, production on the show has halted due to a writer's strike - a strike which we here at bTb adamantly support, we should add. So, the cast of Saturday Night Live did something pretty cool: they got together at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater* in Manhattan and put on a a live stage version of their show as a benefit for their crew. The reports are trickling in from sources like the New York Times and the Huffington Post (the HuffPo even namechecks longtime friend of bTb Justin Purnell).

The verdict: sounds like a hell of a time. Naturally, I wish I'd been there for it - I'll have to make do with the stories that I'll no doubt hear from my NYC friends. If I hear anything particularly cool, I'll pass it on.

[* By way of full disclosure, I should note that I was a regular performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater from 2001-2003, and have performed there on somewhat sporadic basis since. I am most assuredly biased here - bTb]

The Playlist: November 2007

It's been a busy month. Hell, it's been a busy week. Since Thursday of last week (5 days ago, for those who are counting), I've been to a family wake, a wedding, visited a newborn in the hospital, spent time with all of my brothers, and accepted a new job that will mean that I am moving back to New York City. Craziness. This has been the soundtrack to this quick and tumbling time.

Wake:
"Find The River," R.E.M.
Wakes are such awkward, strange times. Silent mourning, chairs set up in rows. Well, when I die, I want my wake to have music playing, and chairs arranged so that people can sit and talk to each other. "Find The River" should be played at my funeral, because I can think of no better thought to leave people with than that final verse: "Pick up here and chase the ride, the river empties to the tide, and all of this is coming your way." It's mournful, thoughtful, and yet optimistic.

Wedding:
"Here Comes Your Man," The Pixies
"LoveStoned/I Think That She Knows," Justin Timberlake
My friends Jed and Teresa got married at Battery Gardens, at the southern tip of Manhattan, on Saturday. It was a beautiful ceremony - elegant and poetic, in the best senses of the word. "Here Comes Your Man" was their first dance song; the way it unfolded could have been the last scene of an awesome romance movie, with all couples being invited onto the floor to dance with them. Sheer beauty. As a wildcard, though, I have to mention the aforementioned Timberlake track, which soundtracked a hilarious dance between the bride and one of her gay friends, which was frickin' awesome and hilarious.

Newborn:
"I Believe In Love," The Dixie Chicks
Yesterday, my friends Javen and Justine's newborn, Emma Claire, was born. I got to visit a few hours after her birth, and let me tell you, it was a wonderful feeling. While I'm not related to Emma really, there was definitely that sense of "oh my god, this is amazing" when I held her. What a wonderful feeling. I hope I'm lucky enough to experience it as a father someday.

Brothers:
"The Fairest of the Seasons," Nico
My brothers remind me somewhat of the Tenenbaums from the Wes Anderson movie "The Royal Tenenbaums." It's not that we're failed child prodigies, but rather, it's that the Tenenbaums all had rich, quirky childhoods like my brothers and I. I like to think that while we all have our rough spots, we also have amazing, different presents that we all bring to the table when we're together. It's what makes the end of "The Royal Tenenbaums" so special. This song comes from that moment of resolution.

Job:
"Leaving New York," R.E.M.
As thrilled as I am to have a great opportunity in front of me - and literally, it's the kind of opportunity that I've been waiting on for ages - there's a real and true sadness in what it means, a departure. "Leaving New York, never easy," Michael Stipe sings, "I saw the lights fading out." The lights are fading out on me upstate. "You might have succeeded in changing me, I might have been turned around," he continues. "It's easier to leave than to be left behind."

Well, this is the most personal thing I've written in awhile. It's been that kind of week.

Meandering Thoughts: On "Cool"

In his most recent column in "Entertainment Weekly," horrormaster Stephen King has attempted to take on one of the greatest cultural divides of our time: the difference between what's cool and what's not cool.

"The meaning of cool," King says, "is beyond definition (and) beyond modification." This is irrefutable. I would posit that, from a writerly perspective, once you attempt to define what "cool" is, you immediately lose all credibility. You can always give examples of what you perceive "cool" to be, but once you try to create a structure for "cool" and "coolness," you're done.

In this article, King doesn't attempt to create this structure - rather, he gives some examples of what's cool (among others, he cites John Fogerty's new album, Barack Obama, "Prison Break," Elmore Leonard, and Fred Rogers) and what's not cool (among the cited: George Clooney in "Michael Collins," Hillary Clinton, Patricia Cornwell, and "Friday Night Lights"). He's quick to point out that being uncool is not necessarily a terrible stigma (for example, he thinks that "Friday Night Lights" is an excellent show - it just will never have the cache/sexiness of a lesser-caliber show like "Prison Break").

These are all valid points. Then, however, King blows all credibility whatsoever by insisting that he's cool, saying "Remember, cool is not a way of life; it's a state of being. Like your height. I can't help being 6'3", and I can't help being cool. Same way Michael Crichton can't help being 6'9''...and not cool." (King, for the record, looks like this. I'm just saying, is all.)

Anyway. A golden rule of "cool," if such a thing exists, is that you cannot insist overtly on your own coolness. It just can't be done. If you have to tell people that you're cool - and King most certainly does here - you're absolutely not cool, and the other things which you've pronounced to be "cool" are tarnished in turn.

Stephen King is uncool. He's written some cool books, sure, but he's also responsible for sap like "The Green Mile" and a good number of subpar books as well. Beyond his picture (above), I also refer you to the fact that he plays in a rock band called The Rock Bottom Remainders - which would be cool if it weren't an all-author band. You see, authors aren't cool, pretty much ever - however, their books may or may not be. "Misery" is cool. Playing the guitar on an atrocious version of "Wild Thing" alongside Amy Tan? Uncool, about ten million times over.

Keep in mind, I don't think of myself as being cool at all. Lord knows, I've tried to be cool - the trying, though, immediately made me uncool, which is a stigma I've carried with me ever since.

When it all comes down to brass tacks, I think of the words of the late Kurt Cobain, who sang, "I'd rather be dead than cool." That seems completely reasonable. I mean, I don't want to be dead. So, I want to be cool even less.

Of course, that's contingent upon words of wisdom coming from Kurt Cobain, who's both dead and cool (go figure).

The Woody Allen Question

Towards the end of Woody Allen’s “Manhattan,” Woody’s character Isaac Davis is asked what makes life worth living. In typical Woody fashion, he hems and haws and then says the following:

“Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um... Well, There are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. uh... Like what... okay... um... For me, uh... ooh... I would say... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... uh... um... and Wilie Mays... and um... the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony... and um... Louis Armstrong, recording of Potato Head Blues... um... Swedish movies, naturally... Sentimental Education by Flaubert... uh... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra... um... those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne... uh... the crabs at Sam Wo's... uh... Tracy's face...”

Every now and then, I ask myself that question – to think about what are the things that are sustaining me through my second-to-second existence.

In August 2005, on an old journal on the Improv Resource Center, my answer was the following: “A long conversation over a few drinks with a good friend. A hug from my mom. A postcard from my dad. An obscene voicemail from my brother, overseas in the military. The first few weeks of September, when summer fades and the trees up here change color and the school year begins. Pad thai. The Sunday comics. Flip-flop sandals. A long walk with my I-Pod on shuffle. The squeal and laugh from my godson when I pick him up and hang him upside-down. Love, in all its forms, shapes, and seasons.” In December 2002, my answer was a tad less precious and more focused on more-temporary things: “Sitting on the Hudson River side of a passenger train between NYC and upstate. A cup of coffee late at night when you really, really need one. The last three songs of "Automatic For The People." Doonesbury collections from the 1970s. Stepping into the water at Waimea Bay, Oahu. Driving alone and singing, loud and out-of-tune. The feeling you get when you're onstage.”

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve thought about this question. I blanche a little bit when I look at my past answers – in 2002, I was probably trying to be too pop-culture savvy, and in 2005, I was extremely sentimental to the point of overtly romanticizing things, I think.

So, hmm, without being too much of either of those things, why is life worth living? Right now?

It’s about the little things for me – the lunch, dinner, drink with a friend and the opportunity to play catch up. It’s allowing myself to be surprised by something, whether it’s a new aspect of a story from an old friend or family member or something silly like a cannon that shoots pumpkins into the horizon. It’s very much all of those other things, too, all of which mean a lot to me and always will.

But it’s also a really good Belgian Farmhouse Ale. Anytime a TV show or movie makes me laugh out loud. The opening notes of the Band’s “Chest Fever.” A soy chai latte with sugar-free hazelnut syrup. Weddings. Babies. Calvin and Hobbes. A glass of chilled white wine, preferably a Riesling or a Gewurtztraminer. The Staten Island Ferry. The Hudson and Mohawk Valleys when the leaves change color. Elton John’s song “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters.” The movie “The Princess Bride,” every time. Third kisses, much more than the first. Sunday mornings. Sleeping in with someone else. Subway or commuter trains, in any city, when you have the time to enjoy the ride. Tom Waits’s “Closing Time” album. Bronx pizza.

So, those of you still reading: what’s your answer to the Woody Allen Question – what are the things that make life worth living?

Please respond, either in the comments or on your own blog. I’d love to know what you think.

How I'd Fix The Yankees

Well, the 2007 baseball season has been over for more than a week now (by the way, congratulations to the 2007 World Champion Boston Red Sox; as for you, Boston sports fans, the moratorium on “woe are we” talk begins now and, should you remain championship-less for the indefinite future, ends somewhere around 2025). I already miss baseball.

That being said, I’ve always loved the machinations of the baseball offseason. As much as I love baseball and watching the games, I’d almost want to be a fly on the wall of the Annual Meetings as a viewer at a postseason game. When I was a kid, I used to play “general manager” by myself and try to fix the wrongs of the late 1980s-early 1990s New York Yankees.

Now, I’m old. Some of my interest in being a general manager has been quelled through playing fantasy baseball, which I’ve done on and off since my junior year of high school. That being said, I love this time of the year – the so-called “Hot Stove League,” where baseball executives whittle through the winter months in an attempt to better their teams.

As a Yankees fan, this offseason’s already been a hectic one. There’s been a switch at the helm; exit Joe Torre, enter Joe Girardi. The coaching staff has also been overhauled [Ron Guidry and Joe Kerrigan are out, Don Mattingly and Larry Bowa are California-bound; meanwhile, Mike Harkey, Dave Eiland, Rob Thomson, and Bobby Meacham assume coaching duties]. Alex Rodriguez seems definitively gone from third base, and Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera, and Andy Pettite’s futures all hover with uncertainty.

So, I’m going to do what I used to do so often in my childhood. I’m going to reshape the Yankees. Here now is what I would try to do if I were the general manager of the Yankees. I’ve tried to make all trades relatively reasonable (that is, to say, somewhat feasible and reasonable – there will be no trades of all-stars for single minor league players, and no salary dumps without rational decision-making behind it).

First trade: I would offer the San Francisco Giants a package of OF Hideki Matsui and SP Chase Wright for Noah Lowry. San Francisco would benefit from having someone as unflappable as Matsui take over Barry Bonds’s left field position, and Wright is a decent lefty who could start or relieve in the big leagues. The Yankees were a better team last year with Melky Cabrera and Johnny Damon in the outfield. Lowry is a good lefty starter, and would capably fill a #3 or #4 spot in a Yankees rotation, striking that balance of youth with experience.

Second trade: I would offer the Florida Marlins the following package for 3B Miguel Cabrera: SP Darrell Rasner, SP Matt DeSalvo, SS Alberto Gonzalez, and 3B Eric Duncan. The Marlins would get DeSalvo, who will be a starter, and Rasner, who could swing between the rotation and the bullpen, as well as AAA starters Duncan and Gonzalez. This deal would need to be contingent upon a contract extension for Cabrera.

Third trade: I would offer the Texas Rangers RP Kyle Farnsworth for OF Marlon Byrd. The Yankees would need to pick up some of Farnsworth’s salary, and Byrd would be a far better fourth outfielder than the other options.

Fourth: I would absolutely, completely resign Posada, Rivera, 1B Doug Mientkiewicz, P Luis Vizcaino and C Jose Molina. In free agency, I would also attempt to sign RP Francisco Cordero.

My 2008 Yankees team would look thusly:

Starting Lineup:
LF Johnny Damon
SS Derek Jeter
RF Bobby Abreu
3B Miguel Cabrera
C Jorge Posada
2B Robinson Cano
DH Jason Giambi
1B Doug Mientkiewicz
CF Melky Cabrera

Bench:
C Jose Molina
IF Andy Phillips
IF Wilson Betemit
OF Marlon Byrd

Rotation:
Chien Ming Wang
Noah Lowry
Joba Chamberlain
Phil Hughes
Mike Mussina

Bullpen:
Mariano Rivera
Francisco Cordero
Ross Ohlendorf
Jose Veras
Ron Villone
Jose Vizcaino

I would have Ian Kennedy and Humberto Sanchez begin the season in AAA, but they’d be the first pitchers up to fill spots. I’m just going to assume that Carl Pavano would spend the entire season on the disabled list. As much as I love Shelley Duncan, I think he’d start the year in the minors as well.

Meandering Thoughts: Musical Moments

I've been thinking a lot about music lately. Over at Beerjanglin, I just wrote a piece that focuses on the combination of beer and music; meanwhile, my friend (and new blogger) Bobbo wrote a great piece that talked about a monumental concert event I attended last weekend at a farmstand outside Kingston, New York. (I'd talk more about the farmstand concert - which featured the legendary Levon Helm and was absolutely goosebump-inducing - but I instead invite you to read Bobbo's version of it instead - he did a great job of encapsulating a great musical moment).

Anyway, I wanted to talk about another musical moment that happened recently. Have you ever had a moment where you listened to a song and it absolutely captured the moment to the point where it felt like narration? I had one of those moments the other day.

I took myself a long weekend; I spent a whirlwind of a time in New York City, where I caught up with some old friends and had a lot of meetings that, without being too revealing, portend a great amount about my future (both immediate and distant). Anyway, at the end of this weekend, I ventured my sedan back towards Albany, and spent a couple of hours of my Tuesday evening on a dark, eerily quiet Taconic Parkway traveling north. I'd packed some CDs that I hadn't listened to in awhile for the trip; I decided to listen to Bruce Springsteen's "Tunnel Of Love" album for this leg of the journey.

As I neared the Austerlitz-Chatham exit (the final one on this stretch of road), the final track of this album came on - a haunting, melancholy ballad came on. Here, now, are some snippets of Springsteen's lyrics with explanation.

I'm driving a big lazy car rushin' up the highway in the dark
I got one hand steady on the wheel and one hand's tremblin' over my heart
It's pounding baby like it's gonna bust right on through
And it ain't gonna stop till I'm alone again with you

I, too, was driving a big lazy car and I was hurtling up a darkened highway. That alone made my eyes open wide. While I can't say that I was thinking about being alone with somebody per se, I was definitely thinking about a lot of things - my future, mostly... And yes, I drive with one hand steady on the wheel. I know we're not talking about mindblowing stuff here, but it certainly resonated.

Springsteen continued:

A friend of mine became a father last night
When we spoke in his voice I could hear the light
Of the skies and the rivers the timberwolf in the pines
And that great jukebox out on Route 39
They say he travels fastest who travels alone
But tonight I miss my girl mister tonight I miss my home

Here's where the connections got more personal. While a friend of mine didn't become a father last night, one of my closest friends in the world is on "any day now" status for fatherhood. Which is weird and different. I find myself wondering not whether fatherhood will change him, but rather, how much it will. It's weird and different and not really something I've taken the time to attend to in a friendship. And that part about missing my girl and missing my home - well, that part'll get me for awhile. I'm not in a relationship right now, and I don't miss my ex-girlfriend, but there's something about being in a relationship that I miss dreadfully, that made me feel somewhat closer to complete. I miss that all the time. And part and parcel with the weekend was that sense of home - so much doubt and change.

I could go on, but to be honest, my story would diverge even further from Springsteen's in the song. That being said - I love it when I can make a connection with a song, even if it's a painful, philosophical one.

Anyone had anything similar ever happen?

The Playlist: October 2007

This month, we’re looking at songs that are our personal soundtrack to the change of the seasons. The leaves are changing color, the air is getting crisper, the sun is setting earlier, and this is what we’re listening to…

1. “Sweetness and Tenderness,” The Rentals.
- When first we encountered the Rentals, they were an analog-synthesizer-laden side project of Weezer. In the years since the first album, Rentals frontman Matt Sharp has left his gig in Weezer, and apparently ditched the synthesizers. This song features piano, acoustic guitar, and violin prominently and may be the most achingly gorgeous thing I’ve heard in ages, due largely to Rachel Haden’s cooing second-lead vocal.

2. “Weird Fishes/Arpeggi,” Radiohead
- We’re hoping to have more about the new Radiohead album, “In Rainbows,” shortly. This track has become an instant highlight of the album for me, thanks largely to the swirling, ambient guitars. While Radiohead has forsaken typical verse-chorus-verse song structure, it’s nice to see that they can use their guitars and use them beautifully.

3. “Girls In Their Summer Clothes,” Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
- Leave it to Bruce to release the best summer song I’ve heard in years at the very end of summer. Sigh. Classic E-Street song, complete with great piano, keyboards, and saxophone.

4. “Room At The Top,” Tom Petty
- Through the magic of DVD, I’ve been reintroducing myself to the television series “Undeclared.” Watching this has made me nostalgic for college, not because the show sugar-coats the experience of being away at school for the first time, but rather because it gets it so very right. The denouement of the first episode, where lead character Steven Karp (Jay Baruchel) confronts the fact that he’s absolutely terrified, while the other characters go through not-dissimilar moments, features this song. So spot-on and wonderful.

5. “Chelsea,” Counting Crows
- Another month, another Counting Crows song – this one, the “hidden” track from the disc featuring the band’s VH1 Storytellers performance on their “Across A Wire: Live In New York” set. It’s a sparse song about one of my favorite New York City neighborhoods, featuring mournful horns, piano, and Adam Duritz’s voice. Graceful and elegant, like the best parts of autumn.

The Pharyngula Mutating Meme.

My brother Mike (see link on blogroll) tagged me with the Pharyngula Mutating Meme - a series of questions that can change as they get passed from blogger to blogger according to a set of simple rules.

The original questions were:

1. The best time travel novel in SF/Fantasy is...

2. The best romantic movie in historical fiction is...

3. The best sexy song in rock is...

The Pharyngula mutating genre meme:

There are a set of questions below that are all of the form, "The best [subgenre] [medium] in [genre] is...". Copy the questions, and before answering them, you may modify them in a limited way, carrying out no more than two of these operations:

* You can leave them exactly as is.

* You can delete any one question.

* You can mutate either the genre, medium, or subgenre of any one question. For instance, you could change "The best time travel novel in SF/Fantasy is..." to "The best time travel novel in Westerns is...", or "The best time travel movie in SF/Fantasy is...", or "The best romance novel in SF/Fantasy is...".

* You can add a completely new question of your choice to the end of the list, as long as it is still in the form "The best [subgenre] [medium] in [genre] is...".

* You must have at least one question in your set, or you've gone extinct, and you must be able to answer it yourself, or you're not viable.

Then answer your possibly mutant set of questions. Please do include a link back to the blog you got them from, to simplify tracing the ancestry, and include these instructions.

Finally, pass it along to any number of your fellow bloggers. Remember, though, your success as a Darwinian replicator is going to be measured by the propagation of your variants, which is going to be a function of both the interest your well-honed questions generate and the number of successful attempts at reproducing them.

For the purpose of this intellectual exercise, my parent blog is The Questionable Authority. (He's traced the ancestry of the meme completely - click on his link if you so choose.)

These are the questions I got from my parent blog (really, they're categories and not questions, but it hardly seems fair to expect science geeks to, you know, use words properly).
The best time travel book in SF/fantasy is:
The best English novel in scientific dystopias is:
The best page-turner book in historical fiction is:
The best landscape painting in American art is:

That being said:
The best time travel movie in SF/Fantasy is: "Back To The Future"
The best English novel in scientific dystopias is: Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World"
The best page-turner book in historical fiction is: "The Road To Wellville," TC Boyle
The best landscape painting in American art is: Thomas Cole's "The Oxbow"
The best power ballad in American rock is: "Faithfully," by Journey.


I am propagating this meme on thusly: because I don't have a sense of who reads this blog - if you feel so inclined, take this meme on in your blogging (and credit me as the "parent" blog). If not, meh. One thing I like about evolution is its unpredictability - let's see where this goes from here.

Meandering Thoughts: Alice Sebold's "The Almost Moon"

Over the weekend, I finally began (and finished) Alice Sebold’s new novel, “The Almost Moon.” I’m not much of a book reviewer, so here’s my quick take on this book:

The difficulty faced by Sebold in creating a followup to her previous novel (the multimillion-selling “The Lovely Bones”) is the indelible impression left on readers by that book. For me, as a reader, one of the things that I was absolutely captivated by in terms of “The Lovely Bones” was Sebold’s character of Suzie Salmon, the young, dead narrator of the story – it made an otherwise dark story extremely palatable, largely because of the grace and beauty of that youthful presenter and the idea that came with her of a heaven being personally defined. It added a light sheen to a dark story; ultimately, I feel that this is what made “The Lovely Bones” wonderful.

In “The Almost Moon,” Sebold sets out to shed the otherworldly childlike presence that inhabited the pages of “The Lovely Bones.” She does so immediately and with the subtlety of a jackhammer – her lead character in “The Almost Moon” is a woman in her late forties who, within the first pages of the novel, gets frustrated with her infirmed, mentally-questionable, elderly mother and kills her. It’s no brutal a starting point than “The Lovely Bones” (which is told from the point of view of a young girl who has been raped and murdered), I suppose, but I think I was hoping for something that might be even slightly reminiscent of that sense of innocence and beauty. That’s lacking in “The Almost Moon,” which takes us through a day in the life of an extremely troubled woman.

In short, I didn’t like “The Almost Moon” too much. When it comes down to brass tacks, though, this was probably an impossible book to follow. As much as I admire Sebold’s artistic intent to create distance between “The Lovely Bones” and what will be the remainder of her career as an author, though, I found myself missing the childlike voice and sense of innocence that was so central to that book as I read this one.

The Odds: Who Will Be The Next Yankees Manager?

As an avowed Yankees fan, I viewed yesterday's dismissal of Joe Torre as manager with a combination of sadness and ambivalence. [Yes, let's be honest, and call it what it was - a dismissal. The contract offer proferred by Yankees administration was an atrocity that Torre obviously recognized as being nothing so much as a Catch 22, and while the decision to not accept it was obviously Torre's, it should be viewed as a termination. I would have liked to have seen Torre get a happier ending to his time in pinstripes, but realistically - the expectations were high, but he didn't meet them. It's hard to keep your job if you're not meeting expectations, even if they're ludicrous. And the offer that they gave him was a terrible one, that involved a large-percentage salary decrease with even loftier expectations.]

That being said, one of my favorite things about baseball has always been hot-stove-league machinations. In an offseason without a lot of big-name free agent movement (according to a list maintained by the wonderful MLBTradeRumors.com, the list is currently headed up by a trio of current Yankees - Alex Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, and Jorge Posada - but is otherwise lacking in big-name sexiness), it serves to reason that the Yankees managerial opening may be one of the biggest offseason bidding spots.

So, let's look at some of the candidates for the position. We've handicapped the race for you (admittedly, we don't have any inside information, and truth be told, when it comes to gambling we're pretty terrible), and perhaps provided you with some food for thought.

The Favorites

Don Mattingly 7:2
Pro: Is well-acquainted with NYC media glare, both as a player and a coach. Has expressed willingness and interest in the job. Steinbrenner loves him.
Con: Lack of experience a major factor - the last manager that the Yankees had whose first ever managerial job was the helm of the Yanks was Lou Piniella, who did well at first but melted down quickly.

Joe Girardi 4:1
Pro: Has experience with NYC media glare as a player, coach, and broadcaster, and a track record of managerial success (2006 NL Manager of the Year).
Con: Might struggle with a veteran club - when he was in Florida, it was with a youthful core. The Yankees that Girardi would inherit could feature several players who knew him as a peer.

Tony LaRussa 6:1
Pro: Very successful manager with an extensive track record of success. Possible Hall of Famer, when all is said and done.
Con: No experience with NYC media glare; it is reported that he "lost" the Cardinals last year; questions about character as leader and individual will follow him given his arrest last year and the Cardinals' issues with substance abuse (Josh Hancock's death and Scott Spezio going into rehab, among others).

The Dark Horses

Tony Pena/Larry Bowa 9:1
Pro: Success and experience as Yankees coaches and as managers in other cities (Pena in Kansas City, Bowa in Philadelphia).
Con: Perceived as having a minimal impact while coaching for the Yankees. Probably aren't serious contenders for managerial jobs in NYC.

Trey Hillman 12:1
Pro: Currently managing in Japan, Hillman is still widely remembered and respected in the Yankees organization for his time as a minor-league manager. He's known for player development, which could figure in nicely with the Yankees' current organizational strategies.
Con: Trey who? Lack of name status and big-league experience could be a turnoff for the Yankees given their high expectations.
[Mere hours after posting this, Hillman was announced as the new manager of...the Kansas City Royals. So he's off the board. Good luck to him in KC.]

Bobby Valentine 14:1
Pro: He's done well in New York (most notably, as manager of the 2000 NL Champion Mets).
Con: He's Bobby Valentine.

The Longshot

Dave Miley 17:1
Pro: The International League's Manager of the Year last year in Scranton, Miley has experience on a major league level, and worked with a lot of the young Yankees that will be forming the core of next year's team.
Con: Not used to NYC media glare; his three years as a major league manager (Cincinnati) were less than successful. Probably better suited to minor-league managing for the time being.

The Dark Horse

Luis Sojo 20:1
Pro: Beloved for his time in New York, has managerial experience in Yankees organization and in International baseball
Con: Has been managing A ball - may not be "ready" for the big show as a manager yet

Save Your Money

Willie Randolph (Mets manager) - 25:1, Joe Kerrigan (bullpen coach/former Red Sox manager) - 27:1, Tony Franklin (AA Trenton Thunder manager) - 35:1, Lee Mazzilli (former bench coach/ex-Orioles manager) - 35:1, Don Zimmer (avowed Steinbrenner hater/curmudgeon) - 60:1, Stump Merrill (ex-Yankees manager, man named "Stump") - 60:1.

As for this blog, well, as much as we love Don Mattingly (he's awesome), we'd love to see some kind of throwback to the championship run of 7 years ago. We'd be fine with Joe Girardi, definitely, but how awesome would a Luis Sojo-run Yankees team be? It's got potential, you gotta admit...

Meandering Thoughts: On Counting Crows and "August And Everything After"

One of the pleasures of growing up in the Dunford household was the slow earning of privileges. Specifically, as my three brothers and I got progressively older, we were allowed to stay up increasingly late and watch different kinds of television.

I couldn’t tell you how old I was when I started watching “Saturday Night Live,” to be honest with you. I could tell you that the cast of the show included such comedy superstars as Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, and Chris Farley. I could also tell you that, before I watched a single frame of a live show, I was already well versed in the culture of “Saturday Night Live” – a couple of years before I’d seen the show, I read a copy of “Saturday Night: A Backstage History,” a now-out of print book that chronicled the show’s ups and downs in graphic, sensational history that my Uncle Chris gave to me to read during a visit to my grandparents’ house. Enamored with what I’d read (even though the book was a warts-and-all portrayal of the show and process that didn’t necessarily lend itself to being viewed in a good light), and spurred on by my father’s habit of taking movies out from the library, I began to watch older “greatest hits” highlights of “Saturday Night Live” – the best sketch comedy work of folks like John Belushi, Bill Murray, and Eddie Murphy.

However, when I started watching the show on a regular basis, I found the comedy end to be somewhat lacking. Like many viewers of the show, I was measuring the show with one of the harshest yardsticks possible – that of the aforementioned comedy gods. Let’s face it – when you’re trying to fill shoes as big as those left behind by the late, great Gilda Radner with the feet of someone as catastrophically atrocious as, say, Melanie Hutsell, then you’re already kind of dooming yourself to failure.

The reason I watched a lot of the shows that “Saturday Night Live” aired during my high school years was because of the music. In one season of the show (the 1993-94 season), the bands that performed included Nirvana, Cypress Hill, the then-newly-revitalized Aerosmith, Smashing Pumpkins, and Snoop Doggy Dogg. The music was generally phenomenal during my introductory years.

The band that I remember the most from this time-period on “Saturday Night Live” was, surprisingly, Counting Crows. The Counting Crows debuted on “Saturday Night Live” in January of 1994, the same week that my father had a heart attack. I remember staying up to watch the show with my older brother, who was home from college at the time, and watching the entire episode of this show. I’d not heard of Counting Crows before the previous week’s announcement of the musical guest, and I had no idea of what to expect until I heard the first notes of their first song.

The song that they played was “Round Here,” which was unlike anything else I was listening to at the time. My musical tastes were dominated by angry, grungy rock music (although my favorite album at the time was R.E.M.’s quiet, melancholy “Automatic For The People”). “Round Here” wasn’t particularly angsty or loud – it was quiet and melancholy without being particularly sweeping or orchestral. It was yearning music, sung by a weird-looking dude with dreadlocks and played by a band of folks who didn’t look like the grunge-muppet misfits that I liked to listen to. Perhaps it was the time and place, or perhaps it was the right sounds and message at the right time, but I was completely mesmerized.

I sought out a copy of Counting Crows’ debut album, “August and Everything After,” soon after, and I fell in love. 1994 wound up being a miserable year for me personally, but there was always comfort in that album for me – whether it was the ballads (“Anna Begins,” “Sullivan Street”) or the faster songs (the ubiquitous radio smash “Mr. Jones,” as well as “Rain King” and “A Murder Of One”). For better or worse, that album soundtracked a lot of terrible things for me that summer – hospital visits, funerals, and the car trips and waiting rooms in between.

Like just about every year in history, 1994 came to an end, just like every streak of luck (whether good or bad) comes to an end. I still find a lot of comfort in the “August and Everything After” album; I’ve never thought about why I do, really, but I think it has something to do with having made it through the difficult times and emerging. I mean, I cannot listen to a wide range of music (from Bob Dylan and Mercury Rev to Radiohead’s “Kid A” album) without thinking about being in Manhattan on September 11th , 2001), but I can still listen to “August and Everything After” without those feelings coming back.

Interestingly enough (and perhaps coincidentally), when I’m in periods of transition, I find myself gravitating back to the Counting Crows. For example, when I decided to move to upstate New York and pursue my Master’s degree, the song that meant a lot to me was “A Murder Of One.” The end of college had a lot to do with “Recovering The Satellites,” from their second album for me. Now I’m in another time of transition, and I find myself back, listening to “Sullivan Street” from that album. It’s comforting and wonderful.

All Apologies.

We're currently experiencing technical difficulties.

(That is, to say, our computer is just about dead.)

Posting will be sporadic for awhile.

The Playlist: September 2007

1. “Grapefruit Moon,” Tom Waits. I’ve been slowly exposed to the bulk of Tom Waits’s debut album, the more than thirty-year-old “Closing Time,” and you know what? I’d be hard-pressed not to consider it one of the greatest albums of all time, seriously. “Grapefruit Moon” is one of the overlooked tracks on this album, and is early-career Waits at his finest – it’s some straightforward crooning from the quirky-voiced balladeer. Give it a download. It’ll melt your heart, in the best way possible.

2. “Let My Love Open The Door (E-Cola Mix),” Pete Townshend. Normally, this solo single from Townshend functions as an upbeat pop classic; this remix, found on the soundtrack to the highly underrated John Cusack movie “Grosse Pointe Blank,” turns the uptempo gem into something else entirely. In this mix (apparently created by Townshend himself), the song turns into a sweeping, epic ballad with electronic textures. It fits, magnificently.

3. “Put It On Me,” Ben Harper And The Innocent Criminals. In this digital age, Harper and his band took a risk by recording an entire album live to analog recording. This track is one from that disc; it rattles and hums beautifully, an elegant bastard of gospel and rock and roll that would make Sly Stone proud.

4. “Camera,” R.E.M. This mournful tune from R.E.M.’s second album, released at the end of Ronald Reagan’s first term, may be one of the greatest ballads the band’s created. It’s the sound of a band that’s almost – but not quite – found their voice; Michael Stipe has yet to grow into the tenor voice that defined later hits, and rather than stride to the emotional heights of later tracks, the music takes a definitive turn inwardly. The resulting song doesn’t achieve the universal mournfulness of a track like “Everybody Hurts,” instead it becomes incredibly specific and note-perfect. Goosebump-inducing.

5. “Anna Begins,” Counting Crows. This month, the Counting Crows have re-released their landmark album “August and Everything After.” Years later, this track still stands out – emotional, powerful, and absolutely resonant. It’s easy to be annoyed with singer Adam Duritz and his pretenses, both in fashion and voice; however, tracks like this – exacting and delicate – may turn out to be among the most influential from the 1990s.

Forthcoming: Five Fall Movies We're Excited About

The Darjeeling Limited
(IMDB page)
This film opens in New York City on September 28, and makes its way to other cities beginning on October 5. It’s scheduled to arrive in Albany on October 19.

Why we’re excited: It’s a Wes Anderson movie. Say what you will about his other movies (“Bottle Rocket,” “Rushmore,” “The Royal Tenenbaums,” and “The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou”) but, more than any other directors, Anderson’s established a definitive style with both visual imagery and his use of music. This film promises to be more of the same. If you’ve liked the other films (and I’m admittedly in that category), this looks promising.

Why we’re hesitant: Anderson’s films have been increasingly whimsical; “The Life Aquatic” enough so that his style came perilously close to torpedoing the movie as a whole. Hopefully, he’ll pull himself back from this fantastical precipice. We’re optimistic.

Dan In Real Life
(IMDB page)
This film opens nation-wide on October 26.

Why we’re excited: Steve Carell. If the advertisements are any indication, this film is a romantic comedy; after broadly comic turns in “The 40 Year Old Virgin” and “Anchorman,” and a foray into dramatic comedy in his supporting role in last year’s surprise Oscar contender “Little Miss Sunshine,” this seems to present Carell with his first opportunity to headline a mainstream romantic comedy. It could catapult him to mainstream A-list stardom. The trailer for the film hints at a warmth that I haven’t seen in a romantic comedy since “Love Actually” – this is a very good sign.

Why we’re hesitant: Dane Cook. The sometimes/rarely-funny hyperactive standup apparently plays a supporting part. He’s appealing to some folks; however, not so much for me. We’ll probably see it anyhow.


No Country For Old Men
(IMDB page)
This film opens November 9 in limited release

Why we’re excited: The Coen Brothers are directing this; it’s going to be interesting to see what they’ll do with Cormac McCarthy’s really bleak subject material. Oscar buzz abounds for the Coens and star Javier Bardem.

Why we’re hesitant: Bleak movies, while often interesting from the perspective of actors, designers, and directors, aren’t really appealing to a lot of people, myself included. If I wanted to walk out of a darkened room after two hours in a bummer of a mood, I’d hang a picture of an ex-girlfriend over my bed and nap more often.

Southland Tales
(IMDB page)
Opens November 9 (we think)

Why we’re excited: Richard Kelly’s followup to the darkly brilliant “Donnie Darko” has been in the works for quite some time. It filmed in 2005, and was originally due in 2006. “Southland Tales” has an eclectic cast – the film features Dwayne (“The Rock”) Johnson, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Seann William Scott (as twins!), Justin Timberlake, Wallace Shawn, and Kevin Smith.

Why we’re hesitant: Premise overload. A postapocalyptic near-future? Tons of quirky, specific characters? Musical numbers? It could be way too many things crammed into one 137-minute flick. Also, the least time we were waiting for a followup film like this, it was Mike Judge’s followup to “Office Space,” which wound up being the overloaded, relatively unfunny “Idiocracy.”


Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium
(IMDB page)
Opens November 16 nationwide.

Why we’re excited: Dustin Hoffman’s been making some interesting acting choices lately, with quirky, distinctive parts in films like “I Heart Huckabees” and “Stranger Than Fiction.” This is another quirky part, where Hoffman plays a fantastical, 216-year-old toymaker. Natalie Portman also stars, which is a good thing.

Why we’re hesitant: It sounds awfully derivative of “Willie Wonka,” to be honest. Other than that, we’ve got nothing.

Meandering Thoughts: On Bill Belichick And Cheating

This is the NFL policy on videotaping other teams. It comes from a memo sent to all head coaches and general managers on September 6, 2006, prior to the start of last year's season: "Videotaping of any type, including but not limited to taping of an opponent's offensive or defensive signals, is prohibited on the sidelines, in the coaches' booth, in the locker room or at any other locations accessible to club staff members during the game."

The coaching staff of the New England Patriots, led by Bill Belichick, was caught two Sundays ago in the act of videotaping the signals of the New York Jets. (This was apparently not their first violation of this edict: last year, when the Belichick-led Patriots played the Green Bay Packers, a cameraman was detained and believed to be doing something similar.) They have since been punished by the commissioner of the National Football League, Roger Goodell: the team will forfeit up to two draft choices in next year's draft, the team was fined $250,000, and Belichick himself was fined $500,000. This should have, by many accounts, have been the end of things.

However, Bill Belichick all but assured that this story would be far from over. The day the penalties were announced, Belichick released the following statement:

"I accept full responsibility for the actions that led to tonight's ruling. Once again, I apologize to the Kraft family and every person directly or indirectly associated with the New England Patriots for the embarrassment, distraction and penalty my mistake caused. I also apologize to Patriots fans and would like to thank them for their support during the past few days and throughout my career. "

"As the Commissioner acknowledged, our use of sideline video had no impact on the outcome of last week's game. We have never used sideline video to obtain a competitive advantage while the game was in progress."

"Part of my job as head coach is to ensure that our football operations are conducted in compliance of the league rules and all accepted interpretations of them. My interpretation of a rule in the Constitution and Bylaws was incorrect."

"With tonight's resolution, I will not be offering any further comments on this matter. We are moving on with our preparations for Sunday's game."

To be helpful, I placed the troublesome part in bold. You see, sports fans, Bill Belichick refuses to admit that he cheated. His clear and blatant violation of the year-old policy? An incorrect interpretation.

Ultimately, this highlights the attitude that is currently causing a great deal of difficulty for the National Football League. Simply stated, Belichick might as well be imitating the cocky, balding record producer from the "Chef Aid" episode of South Park -you know, the one who'd bellow "I am above the law" while squeezing more hair gel onto his combover.

In refusing to acknowledge what he did, Belichick is doing two things - neither of which are particularly good for him.

First, he's stonewalling (think a less-serious, non-governmental version of Richard Nixon circa Watergate) - rather than admitting responsibility, he's seemingly trying to stop the amount of information that is publicly known about his actions from getting out there. He's not discussing the events - which is understandable in a way, as his primary responsibility is to prepare his football team for games. However, the way he's going about it seems practically designed to make him seem utterly and completely unlikeable - he's quickly become a football version of Barry Bonds; unapproachable, surly, and generally churlish. Bonds, at least, has never been caught red-handed, and continues to deny; Belichick's been caught and penalized and continues to deny. In the NFL, a league which prides itself on its character, this can only get increasingly worse.

Second, his antics - and they are antics, no matter how much people will try to downplay them or qualify them by saying, sans evidence,"oh, everybody does this" - is overshadowing what might be a tremendous all-time team. My personal distaste for everybody in a Patriots uniform aside, this current Patriots team might be one of the best to play in Foxboro; they made some smart moves over the offseason, buying tremendous amounts of talent on both ends of the ball to go along with Tom Brady and the other talent that already existed on a playoff team. Image is everything in this league; right now, instead of golden boy Brady serving as the team's primary focus, the klieglights of the media are focused directly at the man on the sidelines. Belichick dresses like a hobo on the sidelines, often sporting tattered sweatshirts. He looks squirrelish and distrustful; to find out that, behind the scenes, he's acting this way as well will only keep the bright lights shining onto his persona. This is not good for the Patriots; they spend the big bucks on the players partly to keep Belichick in the background.

Will this go away? I don't think so. Unfortunately for Patriots fans, the tone set in the first year and change of commissioner Roger Goodell's reign over the National Football League has been one of personal accountability and punishment; if, as it is currently being speculated, the taping of the Jets is the mere surface, then there's a lot more bad stuff coming down the pipe for Bill Belichick and the Patriots franchise.

Beating The Drum For: Bill Simmons Inadvertently Explaining His Writing Since 2003

The column: Bill Simmons's Week 2 Picks (formally titled: "The mail, the picks, and the cheaters")

The date: September 14, 2007

In Simmons's 2,132nd "mailbag" column in the past 100 weeks, Simmons takes on the following question from "actual reader" Dan from Greenville, South Carolina: "Can you tell me why it is necessary for all the networks to have like 12-20 people on their pregame shows? Brent, Jimmy, Irv, and Phyllis were all we needed back in the day. I feel like NBC needs to take a census of who is in their studio each week."

Simmons responded by blaming it on network executives, and in doing so, inadvertently explained his own volume of work since the Red Sox won the World Series a couple of years ago:

"Well, the problem is every network has too many executives, and when you have a lot of executives, you have a lot of meetings, and if you have a lot of meetings, those same executives feel obligated to come up with ideas for those meetings just because they don't want the head boss to say, "Gee, that was weird, Bob didn't come up with a single idea in today's meeting."

He goes on: "That leads to people feeling obligated to throw out bad ideas because a bad idea is better than not having ideas at all."

And lo and behold, we have an excuse for most of the crap Simmons spews out on a regular basis. (Remember "The Sports Guy Cartoon?" Me neither. How about groundbreaking stuff like the 'Bill goes to a Devil Rays-Red Sox game and gloats about how awesome Red Sox bandwagon fans are' photo essay? Yeah...that was terrible. Boy, I can't wait for book number 2. Or the next "Bill goes to Las Vegas" column.")

God, Bill Simmons is terrible.

A quick thought for Kevin Everett...

I've been a Buffalo Bills fan for pretty much my entire life (it's a byproduct of having spent several summers of my life within a quick drive of the Bills' old Fredonia, NY training grounds).

I'm not going to lament the team's last second loss to the Broncos on Sunday. However, I will break from my tradition (thus far) of using no pictures on this site.

This is Kevin Everett. He's a tight end for the Bills. On Sunday, he got hurt quite badly in a head-to-head hit on a special teams play.

The prognosis is bleak; doctors expect that Everett will be paralyzed, and fear that Everett might suffer from complications that involve his various involuntary processes.

Keep Everett in your thoughts; from all accounts, he was a hard-working football player who had already overcome a major injury in his career. The newswires are filled with reports about how kind and generous this guy was.

Football is a dangerous game, and yes, these are risks that players undertake whenever they strap on the pads. But, let's be real here: Everett is 25 years old. Nobody deserves this at 55, much less 25. He's just a kid. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm Way Too Old For This: Thoughts As I Watch The 2007 MTV Video Music Awards

I don't watch MTV anymore. There's a really good reason for this; aside from "Human Giant," there's really nothing on the channel that strikes my fancy. [Full disclosure: I submitted material as a consulting writer for the upcoming season of "Human Giant."] The bulk of the programming ("The Hills" and its similarly themed ilk) does nothing for me.

However, every year I watch the Video Music Awards. Why do I do this? There's no good reason. The music that the channel celebrates does nothing for me; I'd probably rather see the "NPR's Morning Becomes Eclectic" Music Awards. I'm generally disgusted by the trashier side of pop culture, and, to be bluntly honest, I'd be pretty much okay if an atomic bomb was detonated on one of the floors of the Las Vegas hotel in which these awards are being held this evening.

Yet, I watch it. It's kind of like the donkey show referenced in "The 40 Year Old Virgin." - you think it's gonna be cool, and then you realize that it's a woman (expletive deleted) a horse. And you just feel sorry for the horse.

They're advertising this year's show as a one-time-only event - in previous years, the show's been rerun eternally, but MTV is swearing that this will be it. So, I'm watching. I will not, however, be linking to any pictures

8:50 - Preshow. John Norris is hosting the preshow. He seriously looks like a vampire, and not in the cool, "Interview with the Vampire" way. He looks like the undead with a tousled, bleach-blonde cut...or, minus the showy hairdo, Freddie Mercury circa "Barcelona." Look that one up, kids. According to Wikipedia, Norris has been working for MTV since 1986 and is almost 48 years old. Huh. He doesn't look a day over 65, though.

8:58 - Preshow. Some British dude is interviewing Linkin Park. Mike Shinoda is the worst rock star ever. He's gigglier than Dakota Fanning on nitrous oxide, all the time.

9:00 - Britney Spears is opening the show. She is wearing a barely-there sparkly bra and panties set. It doesn't look good. Kind of a muffin top thing going on there. Her new song is entitled "Gimme More." I'd settle for giving us Britney wearing a shirt, and putting some actual rehearsal time in. She looks vaguely stoned. Not good. See you on "The Surreal Life," Britney.

9:09 - Alicia Keys introduces us to the night's conceit; they've apparently taken over the entire casino, and are throwing different "parties" in which different performers are going to be performing all night. Kanye West's hosting one, Justin Timberlake's hosting another one, and the bassist from Fall Out Boy's got another one going on. The Fall Out Boy guy's microphone isn't working - it's always nice to see karma and common sense work together to protect the general public. (I know he's got a name, and I know it, but I refuse to mention it - he seems like the kind of douche who spends the bulk his days doing a "blog search" on Google for his name, and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing his name on this particularly-low trafficked corner of the internets.)

9:20 - Akon's performing "Smack That" with Mark Ronson and the band that made Amy Winehouse's album. It sounds infinitely better with this band, which makes me believe that Amy Winehouse is more or less a lucky crackhead with a half-decent voice and great production.

9:22 - Robin Thicke was just introduced as "R & B's new royalty." Do they know that his dad was the pop from "Growing Pains?" Finding out that Jason Seaver has fathered R & B royalty is incredibly discomforting to me. It's just...kinda weird.

9:31 - The Foo Fighters are performing. This is awesome. They're a real band, with actual rock-and-roll bonafides. They're joined by former guitarist Pat Smear, among others - this is a genuinely cool moment. I'm sure MTV will cut away from this prematurely. (It lasted precisely 90 seconds.) It's always great to see Pat Smear doing stuff. That guy's great.

9:34 - Beyonce just won an award. Surprisingly, it isn't for the advanced robotic technicians who keep her looking so lifelike. I'm looking forward to her turn as a lifelike female doll in the upcoming "Lars And The Real Girl," mostly because Ryan Gosling can make anyone look good.

9:42 - Chris Brown's performance begins with an homage to Charlie Chaplin. Or, as I'm going to call it, that time the vaguely effeminate teenager put on a tuxedo and fake Hitler mustache and then tap danced and lip-synched in an odd attempt to curry some kind of street credibility.

9:46 - After a desperate attempt to prove his sexual prowess by awkwardly touching Rihanna's back, Chris Brown is now recreating Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" dance. Someone should inform Brown (and Justin Timberlake, among others) that Jackson was an artist and not a genre of music.

9:55 - Bill Hader and Seth Rogen are on, in a recurring bit where they're talking about voting for the potential "losers" of the Viewer's Choice awards. This allows Rogen to throw out a jab at Wang Chung, which is lame, but we'll cut him some slack, as "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" were the best things going this summer.

9:59 - The Foo Fighters are back, with Cee-Lo this time. Cee-Lo is throttling the microphone stand and giving it his rock and roll best. They're ripping through Prince's dirty "Darlin' Nikki" and...yep, commercial break.

10:01 - Finding out that Alan Thicke somehow fathered someone referred to as "R & B Royalty" is like finding out that Pat Sajak's son is the new United States Poet Laureate. It's...just not right.

10:05 - In 2000, 50 Cent got shot 9 times. In 2007, in a desperate attempt to make it back to the top of the charts, he's relying on the questionable beatbox skills of a former Mouseketeer on a song. Just sayin'.

10:08 - Shia LeBoeuf just announced the title of the new Indiana Jones movie. It's "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." I'm guessing "Indiana Jones and the Magical Social Security Payout" wasn't, y'know, mysterious enough?

10:20 - Oh, joy. It's Linkin Park. Despite the angsty undertones of the music, Mike Shinoda is beaming like a first-grader on Christmas. I don't get the appeal at all.

Well, this is where I came in. It's the same celebrities, rotating in and out. If there are going to be any true "surprises," I don't forsee any actually happening, unless Britney somehow manages to sneak in an overdose during the live broadcast. [Which, since it's Vegas, the house has 3:1 odds on.] So, as two coked-up looking dudes from "Entourage" present Fall Out Boy with an award, I bid you, my reading audience of (maybe) tens a fond adieu.

The sad thing is, as terrible as this show has been - and believe me, it's been terrible - I will probably watch a bit of it next year.

PS. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee apparently got into a fistfight. The battle for irrelevance...gets literal! I'm not sure what's more likely: one to knock the other one into oblivion, or the Billboard charts and general public to do the job for them. For me to root for one over the other is like rooting for poop to be better than doo-doo. Wait, that's not a metaphor. Yeah, I need to stop this.

Meandering Thoughts: An Appreciation of "For Better or For Worse"

One of the many cultural benefits of growing up in New York City, aside from its myriad museums and artistic happenings, is the access that I had to many different sources of media. It seems almost incongruous now, given our current culture of information available on-demand whenever and wherever, but when I was growing up, I had access to a number of newspapers for a constant stream of information. Every Sunday, after church, you could stop by the corner store and pick up any one of a number of newspapers, from the highbrow New York Times to the lowbrow New York Post to the Spanish-language El Diario.

My favorite, growing up, was the New York Daily News. It wasn't intimidatingly massive like the Times, or in a language I don't understand like either the Post or El Diario. It was reliable - a great sports section, relatively-unbiased news. Most importantly, though, it had an awesome comics section - a pull-away 12+ page section on Sundays, and 3 to 4 pages of daily strips on the other days of the week.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the comics of my childhood. When I was young, my favorites were always the cartoons that didn't talk down to me. Calvin and Hobbes was unrelenting in its quest to bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood, and as such, a constant favorite. I appreciated the life-is-somewhat-dismal outlook of Charles Schultz's finest Peanuts moments. I always read strips like Doonesbury and Bloom County, as well. The one other favorite of mine? Oddly enough, it was the relatively-saccharine For Better or For Worse.

I can't tell you why I took to For Better or For Worse. The strip has always seemed like it was aimed towards the generation two ahead of mine; while it's readily featured three young characters, who have aged in real-time since the strip's inception in 1979, it's a cartoon that, like Doonesbury, is ultimately by a baby-boomer for an audience of baby-boomers. I guess I've always been appreciative of author/cartoonist Lynne Johnston's no-frills approach; where strips like Doonesbury and Bloom County diverted easily and often into the political, For Better or For Worse did a pretty phenomenal job of maintaining an intimate, personal point of view. There wasn't any political commentary, nor was there too much angst. The strip maintained a point of view for a great amount of time without getting too jokey or too flashy; it tackled a lot of capital-i issues (one character had a severe stroke, and another one fended off a possible sexual assault) without being too preachy. Everything that was done over the span of For Better or For Worse was done with a certain grace; this is not to say that the strip always succeeded (like many other strips, the author obviously struggled to write about adolescence and youth from her adult perspective), but it maintained a real dignity.

Recently, For Better or For Worse author Lynne Johnston announced her retirement. According to media reports, she's decided to phase out the strip gracefully - rather than wrap it up right now, she's going to use the next few months to create a "hybrid comic" where she'll use a flashback format to look back at the strip's original days before signing off sometime in the new year. Good for her. It's a plus to see a strip like this go out on its own terms, rather than see it taken over by a media conglomerate and farmed out. It might not be the hippest, edgiest strip, but it's always come from a singular point of view. I'm glad it's going to maintain that to the end.

I'm not really a constant visitor to the comics page anymore - I haven't been, really, since I stopped commuting in to work in New York City and stopped reading the New York Daily News on a regular basis - but, weirdly, I'll miss For Better or For Worse. It's another piece of my childhood - my strange, quirky, different childhood - that's disappearing. I can only wish it well.

Meandering Thoughts: ESPN Brings Forth The Apocalypse

I was home sick from work today, which gave me the opportunity to watch some daytime television. In between trips to the bathroom, my television basically stayed glued to ESPN. It used to be that ESPN could be counted on provide some great sick-day programming; if it wasn't something decent like "SportsCenter" (which - despite its many misses and the fact that the show itself has become a series of commercials and sponsorships that has drained it of every single iota of journalistic credibility - can still be counted on for some mostly solid programming), it would be something awesome like "NFL Films Presents," which could leave you breathless after watching 1986 Buccaneers highlights for a half-hour.

However, what I beheld on ESPN - between the hours of 2:30 and 3:00 pm - was so very atrocious, so horrendous, so horrifying that I actually peeked out my living room window a couple of times to make sure that four horsemen were not stampeding down my street and that the apocalypse was not actually nigh. And while I'm still not actually sure this wasn't the case, I can say with some surety of what was actually occurring on my television.

The name of the show is "First and Ten," and the ESPN website describes it thusly: "With ESPN First Take's Jay Crawford and Dana Jacobson refereeing the always heated discussion, Skip Bayless and daily guests debate the top ten sports stories of the day from number ten to number one. In the show's first three segments, Skip and panel sound-off on each of the ten topics in a point-counterpoint debate. The final segment is "Extra Point" - the final word from all three on any sports issue they pick."

The show that I saw barely resembled that description. Yes, Dana Jacobsen and Skip Bayless were present. (Jay Crawford was apparently on vacation; the nondescript female talking head who assumed his place was possibly the least distinguished person to have graced the small screen at all. I couldn't tell you her name, or for that matter, anything else about her aside from her gender.) There was no "panel." Rather than having "daily guests," they had talking head/"sportswriter" Stephen A. Smith appearing. To call this show one of "discussion" and "debate" is like calling John Wayne Gacy "quirky." There was no discussion. There was no debate. There was a lot of screaming and posturing.

Why was this show atrocious? Let's look at the blustery talking heads at its Satanic core: Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless.

First, Stephen A. Smith. In the history of mankind, there has never been so much credit and credence given to someone who has so little credibility. Smith has been a writer for the Philadelphia Inquirer since 1994 - according to the paper's website, he has covered "Philadelphia 76ers, Temple University basketball and football, and college sports" and is now a columnist-at-large (which he began doing in 2003). Smith's lone other credit? Working for ESPN as a talking head, Smith has moved from commenting on basketball to a slew of other duties, including co-hosting SportsCenter and NBA Basketball coverage. ESPN even gave Smith his own television show, "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith," a talk show which gave a retroactive intelligence to "Thicke Of The Night" and "The Pat Sajak Show." ESPN banks on Smith as a personality - but there seems to be no rhyme or reason for this; Smith comes off on television as a belligerent, blustery ignoramus who makes up for content and reason by generally maintaining a vocal volume that seems better suited to amplifiers at a punk-rock show.

Then there's Skip Bayless. I do not know how ESPN executives looked at this person, and said, "hey, there's a guy we'd love to see representing us on a regular basis." He does not look good on television - facially, he resembles something akin to a wrinkly, harsh-faced Satan, if Satan were forced to suck on lemons on a regular basis. He makes very terrible points that make it seem less like he's a journalist considering a variety of topics and more like someone saddled with a case of utter incoherence matched with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He comes off not just as grumpy, but as an unlikeable person who would have no qualms about saying something like "Hitler had the right ideas but didn't go far enough."

Putting these two together is a terrible, terrible idea. Their personalities are grating enough, but the true difficulty with watching these two is the fact that they do not actually debate. They barely engage each other (hardly surprising, given their narcissistic tendencies). For a half-hour, they speak in absolutes. Which is a terrible, terrible thing when you consider that they are paid to talk about things that (1) haven't occurred yet, and (2) really require opinions and discussion. Neither entertains the possibility that the future sporting events that they're debating (today, it was the forthcoming NFL season and the New York Yankees) might deviate from the course set forth by their opinions.

The two of them went on and on about nothing. Smith "repeated" the "rumor" again and again that A-Rod is actually called "She-Rod" (as a Yankees fan who's heard just about everything, I have to say that I've never heard this one - it is more than plausible that Smith made this one up), and then went absolutely ballistic when Bayless called Terrell Owens "Team Obliterator." They literally only engaged each other about their made-up nicknames for athletes. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these two are paid journalists! (Paid by multiple organizations, no less. Oy vey.)

Smith and Bayless are hardly the only individuals on television that do this; they're following a path forged by news channels like Fox and CNN, where journalists ranging from the quasi-likeable (I'm sure some name will come to me soon) to the blustery, Vader-esque (Robert Novak, Bill O'Reilly, everybody eles) insert their opinions into every single news story, obliterating the very concept of journalistic independence for the sake of ratings. However, Smith and Bayless have elevated meaningless, bad-for-our-society bluster to a new high in this - they suck the remaining drops of joy from sports, instead of contributing to our enjoyment of them. For that - although, surely, not that in and of itself - they should both be drawn, quartered, tarred, feathered, shivved, and shot.

And do it quick. Every time they "debate," those horsemen draw closer.

Beating The Drum For: Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuce!

We’ll admit that we’ve always had a soft spot in our heart for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. In the mid-1980s, when we had a full head of hair (and were in elementary school), one of our prized possessions was a dubbed audiotape copy of their “Born In The USA” album. We’ve never really been much for the title track of that album, but some of the deeper cuts from that tape – “Darlington County,” “Workin’ On The Highway,” “Bobby Jean,” and “I’m On Fire” – can still be counted among our favorite songs to date.

Well, Bruce and the band (whose ranks currently include guitarists Stevie Van Zandt, Nils Lofgren, and Patti Scialfa, bassist Garry Tallent, keyboardists Danny Federici and Roy Bittan, violinist Soozie Tyrell, drummer Max Weinberg, and saxophonist Clarence Clemons) are about to come out with a new album. Called “Magic,” it’ll be available in early October.

The first single, “Radio Nowhere,” debuted this week (it’s available as a free download on I-Tunes until next Tuesday, as well as here), and while we might be biased, it’s one of the most interesting songs we’ve heard in awhile – a wall of aggressive guitars accompanied by an aggravated-sounding Springsteen growling. It’s a relatively brief track – just over 3 minutes – with a centerpiece saxophone solo from Clemons front and center. It’s extremely interesting and worth a listen.

For those of you in the Capital Region, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will be touring this fall – on November 15, they will be appearing at the Times Union Center in Albany. Tickets go on sale September 8. We’re hoping to be there, naturally.